I'm still feeling strange, like I'm in some hinterland of the mind. This morning, as I woke, I felt a few moments of absolute despair when I summed up my current situation: Two recent bereavements, a sense of loneliness with Nur not being there, my ennui with my job, the sense that I might end up spending the next twenty years staring out of the same windows onto the same scene as I teach the same lesson to identikit students, and most of all, worst of all, our financial situation, which I haven't been able to do a thing with because of the past seven weeks of trauma. A spasm of suicidal desire went over me; How easy it would be to just reach for a bottle of pills and slip into a warm bath with a razor! But no, that's just another form of running away, of evading a situation rather than grapple with it and overcome it. It passed, but I just feel desolate at the moment.