And Now For Something Completely Different..Does anyone know a good astrophysicist?

This is a serious idea, produced from my Science Geek side. Please treat it seriously. I came up with the core idea last week, and I've been bending it and testing it since. However, if it is true, the implications are genuinely enormous. If it is not, feel free to ignore it and mock me.

Spacetime and dark matter interaction hypothesis

I started this idea a very long time ago, as a child, ever wondering whether I’d ever be able to travel to other planets and times, a la Dr. Who. I entertained fantasies of exotic engines, warp speed and so forth, until I began to think that there might be a way of doing it without accelerating. About a week ago, an idea came to mind that I have been bending backwards and forwards every way I can, and I can’t find a problem at the moment, apart from the fact it uses a form of matter that is only just on the verge of being described. What is more, my idea seems to resolve a whole raft of complex issues regarding astrophysics and quantum physics, plus some other issues relating to religion and philosophy. It also implies a way to travel that could cover infinite distances and times, but without breaking any laws of physics. I know this is an outrageously enormous claim; This is why I must put this idea into the public domain, where it must be pulled every which way to see if it’s just crackpot or not. Let’s begin.
My current round of thinking about this concept began with the question ‘what would a universe look like if it did not have time?’, the answer, quite obviously, being absolute bloody chaos; everything would happen instantaneously. However, it also implies that a universe without time could not have a cogent space, as distance of any kind implies time between events. In other words, a timeless universe is an absurdity – it could not possibly have shape or substance. Rather like the singularity that led to the Big Bang. So far, so basic; I also started thinking along the lines of ‘what does time and distance look like in a universe devoid of sentience?’ – I wanted to understand what the absolute definition of time is, rather than the mathematical limits of seconds, hours, days, months etc that we place upon time. I also asked myself ‘what would the universe look like if it were smaller/bigger?’
It was this last question that set me following the white rabbit down the hole, or rather, an extremely large, at least light-year-wide, invisible bunny through spacetime.
Dark matter and dark energy have become increasingly accepted features of the universe over the past few years, even though we don’t know what they are, how big they are, or what they’re doing loitering around, being invisible. Dark matter does not seem to interact with the visible universe; we can’t see it, touch it, taste it, hear it or weigh it, which pretty much renders an impossible thing. Yet it must be there, because the universe and the structure within could not possibly exist without it. It is a thing that we simply do not have the capacity of perceiving, yet we can infer its existence.
And it does not interact with the visible universe.
However, what it does do is interact with spactime, simply because it is a fundamental part of the universe, just like gravity, mass, and electromagnetism.
Now here’s the idea:
The universe is far, far smaller than we actually consider it to be.
The reason it looks larger is very simple: dark matter dilates spacetime.
In other words, dark matter somehow acts as a kind of lens, distorting the actual fabric of the material, visible universe.
How on Earth is this provable?
Well, I’m still working on that one, but a couple of thoughts come to mind. Basically, dark matter may pervade the universe, but it should clump in gravitational centres, i.e. in galaxies and around black holes. The greater the amount of dark matter, the larger (and longer) spacetime appears to be. In other words, someone standing at the heart of the galaxy would see space, and the distance between stars, as being far more stretched out than someone standing at a point outside a galaxy. Not only that, it would also appear older than it is. So, you could send some people off on unimaginably long journeys to the centre of our galaxy and outside it, the compare their experiences, although might take a teensy-weensy bit too long – by several million years. Or you could try bouncing some kind of signal towards a system towards the centre of the galaxy, and another equidistant towards the outside, and measure the length of time it takes the signal to return. If my idea is true, it should take marginally longer for the signal aimed at the heart of the galaxy to return. Or you could try with the Pioneer probe, now hurtling away from the solar system and into deep space. If my supposition is correct, then our solar system should appear smaller than it does to us as a spacecraft enters deep space and less dark matter.
Now, dark matter appears to consist of enormous structures – current ideas suggest that a single particle may be more that a light year in dimension – but this helps the notion of the way it dilates spacetime. Although it affects the visible, material universe, what it does not do is affect matter at the subatomic, quantum level, simpy because of its sheer size. This could explain ‘spooky action at a distance’, or the way subatomic materials appear to have an effect on other subatomic particles regardless of distance and time. This is because the distance and time are the byproduct of spacetime dilation through dark matter. Dark matter behaving as I suggest would also explain why the Universal Constant appears to have changed, and why the speed of light possibly isn’t what it used to be. In fact, they have remained the same; what has occurred, from our perspective, is movement of dark matter, giving the illusion of change.
What are the implications of what I’m suggesting?
I’d argue that they are possibly enormous. Firstly, it suggests that we are capable of travelling vast distances without expending much in the way of energy. Quite simply, if you understand what dark matter (and dark energy, too) is, and how it behaves in relation to the visible universe – how it moves, how it clumps and so forth – then, in theory, and with an extremely fast computer and an extraordinarily accurate map, you should be able to avoid it – in other words, to warp through ‘real’ spacetime, rather than the dilated version. In terms of the kind of vehicle you’d need to do this, think more in terms of the Tardis than the USS Enterprise. This is because you would be able to move through time as well as space – hence the need for a really good map.
It also gives an insight into certain philosophical and religious ideas that the universe we live in is an illusion – that’s because it is: Our sense of space and time is a necessary illusion. I say necessary, because our senses have evolved to perceive spacetime as it appears to be, in its dilated state. This also implies that the rate of dilation would be relatively constant.
One thing I also suspect is that, not only does dark matter clump, the amount of it in the universe gradually increases as the universe ages. This would gradually increase the rate of spacetime dilation, leading to the visible universe appearing bigger and older.
Anyway, that’s the idea, in short – I have a few more suppositions that can be added to that, some of which relate to other spheres of science, but I want to work them through. This is a serious idea, and I’d like other serious minds to look at it. If it’s wrong, please tell me and explain why it’s wrong. If it looks right, please test it to destruction.

Here's Sean!

..sleeping soundly just about an hour after birth. Although it's ridiculous to talk about first impressions of a child that's only been out in the open for two and a half days, it's already remarkable how much more settled he appears to be compared to his elder brother at the same stage.

9.40 a.m.

...saw a rising wind, and the beginning of rain - proper autumn rain, carrying a chill in its wings. It also saw the birth of Sean Dogac Paul Gallantry, coming in at seven pounds on the nose, looking remarkably like his brother eight years previously, bawling for all his might for the want of a bit of food - after which, he settled into determined, peaceful sleep. And all my doubts melted like hoarfrost in the sun's steady glare. Photos to follow.

still tired.

...and about to get a damn sight more so. In 36 hours or so, I will be a father once more. Now, I know I should be positive about the whole thing, and in some ways I am - it won't be quite the rude shock that Angus' first appearance was - I find it difficult to work up any enthusiasm. No matter: it is one of those things that one becomes accustomed to. Whether this is good or bad, I don't know. I feel very, very uncertain.
Well, I've wrapped more or less everything up at work, including sorting out a rather complex situation involving exams for the ESOL students, and marking 40+ sets of papers today, on a variety of topics; letters to a friend, descriptions of countries, descriptions of graphs. Some good ones:
'The people og Togo are famous for their love of sport, particularly football, hanball, and athletics. Even though that most Togos are afraid to swim.'
' South Africa has wonderful views of magnificent waterfalls and spectacular mountings.'
'Mortality has been a matter of concern to many countries for some time'
'Since 1960. people have died more dramatically.'
'Many countries have joined the EU in the past twenty years. For this reason, infant mortality is under the control of Brussels.'
These are the kind of things that make my job worthwhile.

Before going to work, I drowned some tomatoes in oil - or rather, stored my dried tomatoes, the last of this year's crop. Here's the recipe, variations of which can be found all over the place:
OVEN DRIED TOMATOES
Cut tomatoes in half - if big, quarter them. place side by side in an overproof dish.add garlic, finely chopped, plus sage, thyme, oregano and basil. drizzle with olive oil and add plenty of salt and pepper. Then, put the dish in an oven set to its lowest possible setting - 50 degrees max. let the tomatoes dry out; for the small plum tomatos I used, this took something like five hours, but it can take up to 24, depending on the size of your tomatoes. They're ready when the jelly has evaporated. Let cool, then pack in a sterile jar with chnks of garlic and fresh herbs, then cover in olive oil and store in the fridge. Taste bloody delicious and last up to two months.

Tired. Hungover.

I can't do this any more. The regular nightly necking of a bottle of wine that is. It takes me longer and longer to recover these days, and increasingly I notice how much of my time boozing has occupied. Last week, I didn't touch a drop for five days: I found myself at a loose end each evening, not wishing to watch crap TV, and so free to get on with all the other stuff I should be doing. However, I didn't. I more or less sat in a state of mental doodling, flitting from one idle activity to the other. It illustrated how much time is taken in pursuit of doing worthless things. Sure, I sorted out my email inbox, but so what? Yep, I did a bit of mass recycling - yeah, whatever. What I didn't do were the things I value - read a book, do my diploma, create new class materials and above all, WRITE.
And now there is the impending birth of sprog no.2; This wednesday, to be precise. How much more of my time will have to be sacrificed, doing all the newborn stuff? As I said in a previous post, I am most certainly not looking forward to all the mind-numbing boring crap that comes with babies and toddlers.

and the prize goes to...

..Orhan Pamuk. Congratulations on getting the Nobel. Actually, I'm curious as to what the reaction will be in Turkey to it, especially considering his recent trial (and its subsequent collapse on the grounds that it was bloody stupid in the first place) for insulting Turkishness, just for having the temerity to mention the deaths of Kurds and Aremenians. I suspect that the reaction will be one of proud bafflement; pride for the fact that a Turk has won a Nobel, baffelemnt as to why anyone would read, and prize, his works. I'm a big Orhan fan - he's an absolutely superb writer, although I think he took his eye off the ball a bit in Snow.

Following the last post, I've received a bit of stick, quite rightly actually, about women who choose to wear hijab or more, rather than having to because of pressure from anxious misogynists. And I apologise for not having thought through what I was writing carefully enough. Fair enough, of course one can choose to wear what one likes, from the tiniest thong through to the most accommodating burqa - but it must be free choice. Two things strike me though: If the Creator made everything, and everything that the Creator makes is essentially good, why is it then necessary to cover it up? Secondly, if there is an injunction to dress 'modestly', surely this applies equally to men? In other words, in a land where the burqa is king, shouldn't men and women both wear it?

Oh Dear. Another week, another labour politician getting into a bit of bother about Islam. And, of course, a few attention-seeking shouty hotheads calling for his resignation. I do understand his point of view though: It is difficult communicating with people when you can't see their faces - try talking in a foreign language on the phone. When it comes to hijab, obviously there has to be a personal choice involved, although my personal opinion is that stuff like the chador and burka is utterly absurd. Also this seeming fear of a woman presenting their face to a man who is not a relative or husband - this strikes me as saying far more about a father's, brother's or husband's fears, weaknesses and sense of low self-esteem than anything; The need to utterly control another's life because you can't control aspects of your own. This is peculiar, as Islam means 'submission' (to the Will of Allah). In other words, trust in the Creator because you can't stay in charge of your own destiny all the time. If you are willing to submit in such a way, why then should anyone feel that they have the right to take absolute control of another's life?

In Death, as in Life...

...Naff rules. Look at this list of the top ten most requested songs for a funeral:
TOP POPULAR FUNERAL SONGS
1. Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
2. Angels - Robbie Williams
3. I've Had the Time of My Life - Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley
4. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
5. Pie Jesu - Requiem
6. Candle in the Wind - Elton John
7. With or Without You - U2
8. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
9. Every Breath You Take - The Police
10. Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
Source: The Bereavement Register
Dear God in Heaven. Who'd want to be sent to the harp farm to the strains of James 'Rat-faced posh tit' Blunt? why would I want the dull thud of earth on my coffin lid be accompanied by some really, really bad 80's pop song? why? If I played these at my own funeral, and by and large it is the deceased's choice, you would have to kill me if I weren't dead already. It just proves the generally utterly execrable taste of most people in this country, and their sentimentality, which is the last bastion of those with no sense of emotion. Instead, they are encouraged to think that love, hate, pain, sorrow, the whole gamut, is expressed through some shoddy three minute songs; Readily-available emotions on your iPod.

Eat, Drink and be miserable.

Mnnurggh. Monday morning. I have had three hours’ sleep, so I am not exactly the shiniest-eyed bunny in the warren this a.m. I woke at 3.30; Nur still hadn’t come to bed, although she did so shortly afterwards, leaving me to turn first one side then the other until light started leaking through the curtains. In fact, I haven’t slept well for the past week or so, mainly because of this bloody student-induced cold I’ve had. That, and I’ve felt generally rather miserable over the weekend. The sense of melancholy was triggered by, of all things, drinking too much fresh coffee. Now you might think I’m joking, but I have become increasingly aware over the past few years of how certain foods and drinks can affect my brain chemistry in spectacular ways. Too much coffee leaves me anxious, aggressive and depressed (although decaf and instant do not have the same effect); certain lagers and bitters can do the same, and just for good measure, fuck up my guts for a fortnight - but ale and spirits I can drink with impunity; Certain foods leave me grouchy and miserable, and so forth and so on.
The point is that there is a very clear link between my moods and what I consume – well, no shit, Sherlock! – but I cannot see what is the exact link between the things that leave me feel shitty. If I could identify exactly what chemicals are involved in causing that, in particular the hideous, temporary bouts of depression (and I really do mean temporary; they can come and go in five hours), then I’d be a happier person.
Fortunately, when these moods appear, I am now much more aware of them for what they are, and know that they will disappear, meaning that I’m far better at handling the situation than I used to be.